I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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