I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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