guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
