At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
