So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
