She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So much Jack, so little girl.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
