Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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