I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
