Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
