you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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