....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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