Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
