He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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