I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
