i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
