I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
