What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize