Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
