If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
