Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
