I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
His nipple licking is glorious
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