So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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