why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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