Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
