I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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