I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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