i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
