Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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