I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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