I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
