i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
