Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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