Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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