There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
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I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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