I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
