I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it hurts more in the daytime
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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