I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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