I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
