Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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