dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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