I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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