I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We left the knife in your bed.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
