Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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