I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
