He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
