His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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