turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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