You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
