The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
