Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
