What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize