my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
