apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
