Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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