I cannot find my penis.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
