How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
